Dealing with a Stubborn Child: Understanding and Guiding Early Behavior

Many mothers face the challenge of a stubborn child—one who repeatedly makes the same mistakes or refuses to follow instructions. Some mothers mistakenly think their child is not intelligent because of repeated mistakes, or they fear their child will grow up to be stubborn.

Stubbornness in children becomes a concern if it persists beyond preschool age. Experts distinguish between innate stubbornness and stubbornness that continues into late childhood or adolescence.

Suhad Abdelghafour, a child guidance counselor, shares important advice for handling innate stubbornness in children under five, including its definition, onset, and causes.

What is Innate Stubbornness in Children?

• Innate stubbornness typically occurs between 18 months and 5 years, often peaking around age 4.

• This is a natural phase where the child forms their personality and sets the first foundations of autonomy.

• Parents should avoid harsh punishment during this stage, as refusal to follow instructions is part of normal personality development.

• A child’s executive brain functions (self-control, impulse regulation) are not fully developed, so impulsive actions without consideration of consequences are normal. Repeating “No” multiple times without effect does not mean the child is intentionally stubborn.

Surprising Facts About Stubborn Young Children

• Studies show that a stubborn child often grows into a highly intelligent individual.

• Children who are described as stubborn often display early curiosity, big questions, and active exploration, traits linked to higher intelligence.

• They tend to be caring and affectionate, especially toward family members, and often become socially generous later in life compared to obedient, quiet children who may rebel later.

Causes of Increased Innate Stubbornness Before Age Five

1. Parental conflict: Exposure to arguments or stress at home, especially in the child’s first year, can make them irritable and stubborn.

2. Excessive punishment and error monitoring: Constantly correcting or punishing the child can increase fear and stress, which may translate into deliberate stubbornness to provoke a reaction.

3. Overindulgence: Children who are excessively spoiled, particularly first-borns, may develop selfishness and tantrums if their requests are not met.

4. Neglect or unequal attention: Emotional neglect, sibling rivalry, or the arrival of a new baby can trigger stubborn behaviors. Mothers should ensure fairness and equal attention to all children.

Tips for Guiding Stubborn Behavior

1. Contain and guide, don’t just forbid:

   • Instead of simply saying, “Don’t hit your brother” or “Don’t throw the banana peel,” provide alternatives:

     • “Be gentle with your brother.”

     • “Throw the peel in the trash can.”

   • Children learn through repetition and modeling, not just verbal instructions.

2. Allow safe exploration:

   • Children are naturally curious. Give them opportunities to explore under supervision, allowing them to discover and experiment safely.

3. Encourage small positive responses:

   • Change is gradual; don’t expect immediate obedience. Praise efforts rather than focusing on defiance:

     • “I’m happy you did that well.”

     • “I see you tried your best.”

4. View mistakes as learning opportunities:

   • Never label a child as “stupid” or “stubborn” for mistakes. Mistakes are chances to teach and reinforce correct behavior.

5. Build confidence and self-esteem:

   • Reinforcing positive behavior strengthens personality and helps the child develop self-confidence and a healthy sense of self, reducing resistance and stubbornness over time.

In summary: Innate stubbornness in children under five is a normal and healthy stage of personality development. The goal is not to suppress it but to guide, model positive behavior, and provide opportunities for learning and exploration, helping the child grow into a confident, intelligent, and socially adept individual.