The Balance of Selfishness in Relationships: When Is It Healthy and When Is It Harmful?

We cannot deny that there is a certain amount of selfishness in each of us. Although people may not admit it, and no matter how good their morals are, and how valuable their personality is, and how much they prioritize others over themselves, humanity and selfishness are intertwined. Selfishness — which relates to self-love and preferring oneself “to a certain extent” over others — is actually a driving force behind success and distinction. But what is the permissible limit? Especially when selfishness intertwines with a delicate human relationship like marriage, where giving is a fundamental and important value that strengthens the foundations of the relationship. But to what extent is giving an obligation? Does giving and altruism mean that one partner must put everything they have into making the relationship work, without receiving anything in return?

If you want to learn more on this topic, continue reading. “Nadormagazine” spoke with human relationships consultant Manal Khalifa, who explains the allowed limits of selfishness between life partners, and signs that tell you your future partner may be selfish.

Is Selfishness a Bad Behavior?

Manal Khalifa told Nadormagazine: We are brought up to believe that selfishness is a bad behavior; children are encouraged to share their toys with friends, classmates, and siblings to build bridges of affection, kindness, and empathy with others, so that their relationships are based on sympathy, love, and sharing.

However, in reality, although giving is a commendable and wonderful behavior, in some circumstances selfishness is not a negative trait to be gotten rid of — it is necessary to maintain your happiness and sense of self-worth. Sometimes selfishness isn’t just good, but can motivate you to take positive steps to deal with difficult situations.

Selfishness isn’t always bad or negative — sometimes it’s a healthy and positive choice, but it must be governed by rules and limits that cannot be crossed, or else it turns into a bad action and socially rejected trait.

The Unacceptable Selfishness

Manal explains: Unacceptable selfishness is behavior linked to greed and a pathological desire for possession. These are undesirable traits, and anyone who has them is not the kind of person you want as a life partner or close friend. This kind of selfishness can be terrible and may lead a person into a spiral of “bad altruism” — always putting others’ needs before their own happiness, as a reaction to a guilty conscience for feeling harshly selfish toward others.

People who adopt this attitude usually have a low or nonexistent sense of self-worth, believing that their opinions and needs don’t matter compared to those of their loved ones, whether family, friends, or colleagues.

Manal confirms there are many situations where prioritizing your needs and values (what we call healthy selfishness) — even happiness — is vital for your health and well-being. This healthy selfishness is not a bad thing, but a vital virtue that allows you to be good to others because you were good to yourself first.

She adds that human behaviors must be balanced — “do no harm” applies — and a person should treat their traits and behaviors in a balanced way. Selfishness is rejected in principle, but we may need to call on it in important life situations requiring decisive decisions for our future or personal development. However, it must not become a lifestyle. A person who always prefers themselves over others, who hates good for others and only seeks happiness for themselves, will be hated and ostracized — especially if they are a close partner, like a spouse.

5 Clear Signs Your Future Partner Will Be Selfish

Manal says: There are several clear signs that can tell you your future partner will be selfish in the unacceptable (unhealthy) sense, so caution is needed in dealing with this partner and reconsidering the relationship. These signs are:

1. Always wanting things their own way and sidelining you
   Sharing is a trait we learn as children. However, some people never mature and never see beyond themselves. They are convinced their way of thinking is best and never do things the way others suggest. This remains with them even after maturity. They take decisions alone and deliberately sideline their partners. If your partner always tries to make decisions alone, demands things their way, and gets angry if you don’t agree, this is a classic case of a badly selfish person who never matured.

2. Trying to dictate what you should or shouldn’t do
   Does your partner expect a certain behavior from you? Do you have your own rules about what you can and cannot do? Only a badly selfish person tries to control their partner and dictate what they should or should not do. If you find your future partner forces you to adopt a certain view or behave in a way that conflicts with your own, don’t waste your time with them — they are a bad selfish person who will impose their views, especially after marriage, where they see themselves as the stronger party.

3. Not making any effort to please you
   If your partner makes everything revolve around themselves, how will things be after you are officially married? Will there be any balance? A badly selfish person likes people who do things for them but never does anything for others. If you find your future partner never makes any effort or does kind things for you, be sure they are selfish. There is no point in dealing with someone like that.

4. Not making you feel valued or important because they only care about their own status
   Respect is one of the most important signs of love. A respectful partner tries to make their partner feel respected and does everything to ensure that, always valuing their status and treating it with care. Selfish people lack this consideration and won’t lift a finger to make their partner feel appreciated. They only care about talking about themselves, their achievements, and belittling their partners, as they see any success not attributed to them as diminishing their own status.

5. Not interested in listening to you
   Does your future partner talk continuously or interrupt you? Do conversations always revolve around their stories and not yours? A conversation dominated by one person is unbalanced. If your partner cares about you, they will care about your opinions and ideas, but a selfish person only cares about themselves.

Manal says: Ultimately, these signs tell you your future partner will be selfish in a bad way, and the relationship will not be successful or will be full of problems. So be very careful where you place your feet. Is your future partner willing to change, or will you have to adapt to their selfishness? Or do you need to end the relationship and get rid of this personality from the start before things worsen? In the end, the decision is yours!