Unexpectedly, a mother may notice that her older child becomes more irritable—or even dominant—when a new baby joins the family. The older child may start mimicking the mother by giving orders, shouting at younger siblings, and expecting them to obey, believing he has parental authority.
It’s important for the mother to understand that the arrival of a new baby can turn the older child into someone who needs careful handling with patience and wisdom, helping them move from being bossy to becoming a wise leader. Nadormagazine spoke with educational counselor Rasha Salem about why this happens and how to manage it according to the child’s age.
Why the Older Child’s Behavior Changes
Jealousy of the New Baby
There are neurological reasons behind the behavior change. The emotional regulation area of the brain, known as the prefrontal cortex, is not fully developed until adolescence. Therefore, the older child may struggle to differentiate between controlling others and simply being in charge.
It is a mistake to expect the older child to help care for the younger sibling willingly. Previously, the older child saw themselves as the center of attention. With a new sibling, they may struggle to understand that a mother’s love can extend to multiple children.
You may notice the older child rushing to complain about the younger sibling’s behavior, saying things like:
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“Look at my little sister; she made a mess with the paint!”
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“Look, my little brother wet his clothes.”
They may see themselves as better behaved, believing they are more capable because they do things correctly.
Tips for Handling a Dominant Older Child
Ages 3–5 Years
At this age, children cannot fully distinguish between feeling neglected and having sources of power, such as feeding themselves or self-care. They may try to assert control to feel important and safe.
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They may mimic adult behaviors, asking younger siblings to clean up toys, thinking they are helping.
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Solution: Teach concepts of fairness without comparison. For example, play a “leader who makes everyone happy” game, where the older child helps but does not upset the younger ones, helping them feel engaged without being domineering.
Ages 6–9 Years
Children in this stage start to form their own sense of justice and fairness. They may feel wronged if the younger sibling gets more attention.
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They want responsibility but need boundaries to prevent comparisons or punishment toward siblings.
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Avoid letting them say things like: “I’ll punish my brother because you always defend him.”
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Encourage responsibility in ways that build leadership without creating resentment.
Ages 10–13 Years
As the child approaches adolescence, they begin to explore the difference between power and identity.
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Expect phrases like: “I’m the older child; no one tells me what to do.”
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Solution: Offer choices rather than direct orders. Give simple, manageable responsibilities, such as helping prepare for bedtime or organizing clothes. This allows the child to feel important without dominating younger siblings.
General Tips for Mothers
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Remember that the older child is not selfish; they need reassurance that their position in the family is secure.
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Involve them in household tasks, even if they cannot complete them fully. Praise small contributions.
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Calm their nervous system with encouraging words. Acknowledge their abilities and explain that leadership does not require shouting or control.
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Reassure them of your love and that their role as the first child is still special. Using terms like “the eldest” or highlighting their unique position can reinforce this.
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Set aside special one-on-one time with the older child to make them feel valued.
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While giving attention to the older child, ensure younger siblings also learn independence, such as dressing themselves or using the bathroom on their own.
This approach helps the older child adjust positively to the new sibling, reducing bossy behavior while fostering leadership, responsibility, and emotional intelligence.
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